From rec.arts.startrek Wed Jul 11 14:19:20 1990 From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Warren Siegel) Date: 9 Jul 90 15:07:06 GMT Subject: (parody?) These are a few of my favorite Klingons (long)
These are a few of my favorite episodes of Star Trek, synopsized to the best of my memory. (There may be spoilers, but only if you haven't seen every episode of Star Trek ever made, in which case, shame on you!)
A strange teenager irritates everybody, so the Captain makes him an Acting Ensign.
The Enterprise takes on a troop of traveling mud-wrestlers. All the crewmen, including Kirk, immediately become infatuated, so Uhura dumps them all on an ice planet to cool them off.
BALANCE OF ERRORS
Spock's father decides to get even with his son by taking over a Romulan warbird and trashing the Enterprise. The Romulans then blow themselves up to teach the Federation the meaning of honor.
Kirk meets a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with a bad attitude. When he discovers he can't beat him up, he shoots him.
THE RETURN OF THE ACORNS
Kirk defeats a superior computer by finding a bug in its program that had gone unnoticed for hundreds of years. As with all superior computers, as soon as its program enters an infinite loop, it immediately starts smoking and shooting off sparks until it explodes. (That's what happens when you buy a computer from General Motors.)
Kirk gets in a fight with a 300-year-old man, tearing his tunic. This reveals that he has been getting hair transplants from his chest, so Kirk exiles him to Fantasy Island.
FLIP SIDE OF PARADISE
Spock gets the girl, so Kirk gets jealous and starts a fight. Spock beats him up, but by then he's no longer in the mood, so they leave the planet.
SITTING ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER
(OR: If Tomorrow is Yesterday, What Will Last Tuesday Be?) Harlan Ellison writes another time-travel story. Kirk goes back in time again. (Can't he ever go forward?) He falls in love again, but breaking up is hard to do, so he lets her get hit by a truck. Then he blames it on the Nazis.
Spock beats Kirk up again in another fit of logic. Spock's fiancee tries to have him killed to avoid an illogical divorce.
WHO THE HELL IS ADONAIS?
Kirk finds he can kill gods the same way he does computers: by talking to them until they commit suicide.
Kirk goes to a perpendicular universe, but that Spock beats him up, too. He sure looks good in a beard, though.
THE HAMSTERS ON TRICYCLES
Kirk gets paid to do what he does best (and the other thing, too), and after he beats up his girl friend (twice), becomes ruler of another planet that fortunately hadn't heard of the Prime Directive.
THE IMMUNITY SYNDROME
When a planet-size alien threatens to reproduce, the Enterprise becomes a giant contraceptive.
THE OMEGA GLORY
The crew of the Enterprise discovers that, just as human beings are an unavoidable result of evolution, so is the United States of America.
THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER
Kirk proves once and for all that the smarter a machine is, the easier it is for him to bore it to death.
The Enterprise goes back in time again, to the 20th century again. (This saves a lot of money on sets, props, and costumes.) An alien invades Earth, disguised as an Earthling. (This saves more money on costumes and makeup, and makes casting easier.) This was a pilot for a new show that the network liked so much they not only didn't pick it up but they canceled Star Trek besides.
THE ENTERPRISE INCIDENT
Kirk looks lousy in pointed ears. Starfleet Command orders Kirk and Spock to steal a cloaking device from the Romulans, and then never bothers to use it again.
THE PARADISE SYNDROME
Captain Kir-ok parties a little too hardy and steers the ship right into an asteroid. When he wakes up the next morning, he can't even remember how to pronounce his own name. Spock & Doc rescue him, but not until after he gets stoned again. Oh, yeah, he also falls in love again and gets another woman pregnant, so he gets her an abortion the hard way (see "Sitting on the Edge of Forever").
IS THERE IN TRUTH NO BEAUTY?
Pulaski goes blind.
SON OF A GUN
Kirk proves he can beat up anybody, even ghosts. This earns the respect of a superior civilization.
THE THOLIAN WEB
Intergalactic spiders trap the Enterprise. Uhura finds Kirk in her bedroom.
Kirk finally kisses Uhura. Nimoy finds an excuse to sing.
WINK OF AN EYE
Kirk finally meets a woman who is too fast for him.
Kirk makes love to Troi's great grandmother. Unfortunately, she's a bit kinky, so everyone in sight gets tortured. It's OK, though, because this allows Kirk to teach a valuable lesson to more-intelligent beings.
DEANNA OF TROI
Kirk learns about better living through chemistry when he makes love to alien royalty. He gets out of this one by claiming he's already in love with his ship, which leads to history's most unique paternity suit.
LET THAT BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD
The Enterprise encounters two strange beings who are at war with each other because they are each other's mirror image, which leads to complications when they try to shave.
REQUIEM FOR METHUSALEH
Kirk punches out a 4,000-year-old man, falls in love with his daughter, and talks another robot to death.
THE SAVAGE CURTAIN
Kirk kicks Genghis Khan's ass. (Kirk: "KHAAAAAAN!!!") This teaches a more highly advanced civilization the meaning of good, bad, and ugly.
Kirk learns his final lesson when he switches bodies with a woman who gets him pregnant.
LONELY AMONG US
While on a mission to the movie planet Paramount, the Enterprise is invaded by a super-intelligent cloud that kills the Captain. Fortunately, the crew discovers they can bring dead people back to life with the transporter, which they unfortunately forget by the next episode.
Wesley visits a planet, and the people there want to kill him, too.
SKIN OF EVIL
The Enterprise is attacked by a being of pure acne.
The Entrerprise discovers a solar system with a planet where everybody believes that a drug they're addicted to is actually a cure for something. Right next to it is a planet where everybody believes tobacco is totally harmless and tastes good, and another planet where everybody believes everything the NRA tells them.
ANTI-MATTER OF HONOR
Picard tries the Tribble Maneuver with Riker, but the Klingons give him right back.
A computer virus invades the Enterprise. It takes Geordi the whole episode to remember the backup tapes and to reboot.
A female Klingon shows Worf the "Kick Me" sign he's been wearing for the past two seasons, so he asks her to marry him and become a houseKlingon, but she chooses her career instead.
Riker fianlly gets his own ship, but he blows it up, so the Enterprise has to take him back.
Troi's new dress is so tight she can't move. While experimenting on the holodeck with Princess Leia, Geordi discovers a way to free her.
THE VENGEANCE FACTOR
A hundred-year-old woman falls in love with Riker, so he blasts her to smithereens.
Q is kicked out of the Q Continuum, who exile him to the Enterprise and take away all his powers except whining.
In an alternate timeline, there is a TV show called "Star Trek" where the Enterprise blasts enemy ships to bits every week, the Captain never surrenders, there is no Counselor, and the Klingons are bad guys. This is one episode of that program, obtained through a black hole. There was a minor bit of editing, however, including changing the Captain's name from "Kirk" to "Picard."
THE LOOSE SPRING
Data's daughter makes a pass at Riker, who flees in terror. Another robot confuses itself to death, but Kirk was nowhere in sight.
Spock's father tuns out to be a bigger nag than Troi's mother. Beverly finally smacks Wesley.
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
The alien tanker Mega Borg returns and threatens to oil slick the entire galaxy. Riker answers that age-old riddle, "How do you keep a Trekkie in suspense for three months?"