From: tedi@eleazar.Dartmouth.EDU (Edward M. Ives)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: Parody! (Of old show). Kind of long.
Date: 26 Jan 88 23:18:36 GMT

Captain's Log, Stardate 6020.65

We are {on a routine benchmarking mission / heading for a rendevous with the Potempkin to pick up some medical supplies that we have to bring to Alpha IV / going to LasVegas IX for some much needed R&R/ limping back after our encounter with the Reliant/Klingons/Black Hole} It's a tough job, but, as usual, we were the only ship in the quadrant. Everything is quiet, and yet somehow I feel...uneasy.

Kirk:

Status, Mr. Sulu?

Sulu:

Still traveling like a bat out of hell in a straight line, sir.

Kirk:

Steady as she goes, Mister.

Sulu:

Aye aye sir. Boy, I'm glad you gave me that order, I was just about to pull a couple of barrel rolls just for the hell of it. (Sarcastic smile)

(A cute ensign steps on the bridge)

Kirk:

Hmmm, you seem to have changed your hair, ensign...?

Ensign:

"Generic, sir. Ensign Generic."

Kirk:

Ah, of course. The Astrobiologist.

Ensign:

Almost, sir. Actually, my field is Astroexointroorgosociology.

Kirk:

Well, why don't you stop by my cabin some time and we can put on our boots together afterwards?

Ensign:

You have a booger hanging from your nose.

Kirk:

(Wipes his nose the same way he wipes his mouth when it has blood dripping from it). Thanks.

(Whoosh)

Bones:

Dammit, Jim, what the hell's the matter with you? Other people have funerals - why are we treating yours like a birthday? Wait a minute, did I say, funeral? Aw hell, I need some more Saurian Julips to get me through the rest of the day....

Spock:

Sir! I am scanning a cloud composed of an energy of a type... (dramatic pause) NEVER BEFORE ENCOUNTERED. Good thing we designed our scanners to pick up even energies that we never even heard of before. It is approaching at warp 1.

Kirk:

Hmmm. We can't be too careful. Go to indigo alert. Raise sneeze guards over the salad bars. Pull the shades, too.

Spock:

Captain - the cloud is now 100 kilometers distant. Size...OFF the SCALE (dramatic twang). Hmm. Must be pretty big considering we can tell how big STARS are with these scanners.

(The ship rocks. Everyone falls out of their chair, in different directions. Kirk executes a shoulder roll and brings his fists down in the small of Sulu's back, knocking him unconscious).

Chekov:

Keptin! Our sneeze guards are down!

Kirk:

Scotty!!! What's happening?

<Tinny Speaker>:

Well saair, haggis, clan, claymorrrrrrrrre, scotch, tartan.

Kirk:

Do we have any phaser power?

<Tinny Speaker>:

A few shots sairr. No, actually, I canna even gi' you tha'. We may have enough power ta do a few wheelies, sairr.

Kirk:

We can't DO a few wheelies!!!!!!!!!!!!!...Dammit, Spock! You're the science officer - I need answers!

Spock:

I need data, Captain. And getting laid wouldn't hurt either.

Uhura:

Recieving transmissions, captain! It's in Linguinicode!

Kirk:

Put it on audio, Uhura.

Cloud:

OOP! ACK! PHPPTHFFT!

Spock:

Some form of gaseous feline, captain.

Kirk:

And he's got us right where we want him...hmm...should I have him hit me, or should I fold?

Spock:

Orders, Captain?

Kirk:

GO FISH.

<Spock enters the turbolift. As it closes, we can hear him saying "fish tanks">

Kirk:

<Hits intercom> OK, I want all my personal toadies in the conference room for a discussion. Unknown and inexperienced crewperson, you have the conn. <leaves>

<In the Conference Room>

Kirk:

All right gentlemen. Opinions?

Uhura:

Sir, I believe...

Kirk:

...I said "gentlemen". When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it...MISTER.

McCoy:

What are you going to do, Jim? Dammit, millions of lives blah blah blah you're obsessed blah blah blah I'm scared shitless blah blah blah I may just have to declare you unfit for command blah blah and anyway, why do we always call something we don't understand a "thing"?!

Spock:

<Generic comment about McCoy's predilection for irrelevancy>

McCoy:

Why, you green-blooded inhuman blah blah blah mother was a librarian blah blah blah father was a computer blah blah blah why don't you just go back where you came from blah blah blah love the federation or leave it blah blah blah you've got pointy ears to boot Nyah Nyah!

Spock:

<Feeble attempt at sarcasm that makes McCoy's blood boil>

Kirk:

Dammit gentlemen, stop this senseless bickering, I need ANSWERS! <clenches hands together and executes "Kirk move" on table, smashing them into it as if it were someone's back.> Owwwww! <nurses hands>

Spock:

Captain, the problem is not simply a gaseous cloud. It is PROFOUND STATEMENT ABOUT REAL NATURE OF PROBLEM.

Scotty:

But tha's impossible!

Spock:

Nevertheless, Mister Scott, it is a FACT.

McCoy:

Would you listen to this guy? We're talking about UNIVERSAL ARMAGEDDON, and he's spouting FACTS!!!!!!!!!! <Falls on the floor and begins having an apoplectic fit>

Spock:

That "thing" could teach us how to make a walnut the size of a warp engine.

Scotty:

A Warp Engine? You're bullshitting me!

Spock:

Vulcans do not bullshit.

Kirk:

Well, I'm the captain, so it's MY decision. In this case, I don't think we need a fake vote to come to a decision, so I won't have you raise all your hands like the good little toadies you are. Oh, what the hell, let's just have a fake vote anyway. Gentlemen, risk-taking is our business! That's what we're paid for! America, freedom, the star-spangled banner, apple pie, Bruce Springsteen! Now come on, let's have a fake vote!

(McCoy reluctantly holds up his hand)

Kirk:

Then it's decided. We'll try to mind-meld with it even though I may be risking thousands of lives by doing so!

(On the Bridge)

Spock:

When would you like me to attempt the meld?

Kirk:

We're going to do it at POINT BLANK RANGE. (Thunderous Crash of Cymbals)

Sulu:

Point blank range, sir?

Kirk:

That's right. We'll get up real close, mind meld, maybe even plant a few antimatter bombs, and then back out the way we came.

Sulu:

Point blank NOW sir.

Spock:

Pain. The Chamber of the Ages. No Kill I! Like Ike I !

Kirk:

Hmm, does it mean that it likes Ike or that Ike likes it?

Sulu:

Orders, Captain?

Kirk:

<Knits his brows, frowns, starts looking constipated>

Sulu:

Sir??

Kirk:

<Strokes his chin, wipes blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of his wrist, rubs his pot belly that is badly obscured by the special green uniform shirt with the symbol in the wrong place>

Sulu:

Sir??

Kirk:

All right. Uhura, I want you to send a subspace message to Starfleet. "We are going to blow ourselves up with that awesome new just-plain-big bomb we installed. Keep all ships away from here forever." And use code 6 Lieutenant.

Uhura:

But, sir,...

Kirk:

USE CODE 6. Must you question my every order? (Fondles three steel balls he has been shifting around in his palm). Ok, Scotty, on my mark, I want you to eject all methane and ignite it.

Scotty:

Ahhh. The flatulation maneuver.

Kirk:

Ok, Sulu, I want you to bring us in real close until we're right up against that thing. Then we're going to plant a stink bomb at POINT BLANK RANGE <Thunderous crash of music>

Sulu:

Aye Aye Sir.

Kirk:

Spock, on my mark, I want you to flood all decks with neural gas.

Spock:

Ready on your command.

Kirk:

No, wait...BELAY THAT ORDER. <Dramatic Twang> Instead, flood all decks EXCEPT FOR THE BRIDGE.

Spock:

Yes, Sir.

Kirk:

Sulu, after we plant the bomb, I want you to go to Z minus 1000 kilometers, Z plus 1000 kilometers, then bring us PARALLEL to whatever that...THING is.

Sulu:

Ready to execute standard Kirk orbit.

Kirk:

Spock...?

Spock:

I have already begun my calculations for time warp, Captain.

Kirk:

Ok. Scotty, on my mark, I want you to cut all power except for lifesupport. And throw some carboard pizza trays out the shuttlecraft doors - maybe we can convince them we're hurt badly...

Everybody ready?

Spock:

Check!

Kirk:

On my mark...........NOW!!!!!!!!

<All Hell breaks Loose>

Kirk:

Status?

Spock:

The cloud has been destroyed. We blew it into such small pieces that the remains are only in the form of...a cloud.

Bones:

I hope you can live with yourself Jim.

Spock:

I can't smell! My Nose! Oh, wait, that's better. Good thing I have the old "Vulcan extra set of nose picking fingers" inside my nostrils - that would have settled my hash for sure...

Kirk:

Lay in a course for...oh what the hell, the Romulan Neutral Zone! Those guys back at Starfleet are just a bunch of wimps - it's time to kick some ass!

Spock:

I believe the temperature on the bridge is too high for me. Also, my ears just fell Kirk:

Why Spock, I believe you're becoming more and more human all the time!

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

(Oops, almost forgot...just as the ship pulls away, all personnel wearing red shirts who aren't Scotty or Kyle suddenly die....)

                              - Ted Ives
                              ted.ives@dartmouth.EDU
                              or something like that
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